Lesson 8 - Write It Better

Lesson 8: Helpful Tips for Beginning Writers
Use the writing tips you learned in Lesson 8 to find and correct errors in the sentences below.

First, name the error. Then rewrite the sentence to make it better. Read the example, then copy the rest, name the error, and then fix the sentence.

Example:

"I am alone," Ralphie thought.
What mistake is made here? Using quotes around interior monologue.

Write it better. I am alone, Ralphie thought.

Copy these eight sentences, name the mistake, and write each sentence to correct the mistake.

It seemed to Jason that his brother had kind of disappeared during a game of Hide and Seek.

What mistake is made here? hedging words/phrase = seemed, kind of

Write it better. Jason’s brother disappeared during a game of Hide and Seek.

It takes at least an hour to heat up chili.

What mistake is made here? hedging = at least. Dead it.

Write it better. Heating up chili takes an hour.

"Mom should be home in half an hour," stated Jason coldly.

What mistake is made here? Not using said, using adverb rather than action.

Write it better. “Mom should be home in half an hour,” John said and then turned abruptly away.

"Pass the salt," Marietta said.

What mistake is made here? Lacks purpose. Actions of the story could expand or show this.

Write it better. (The instructor actually suggests taking this out, but I wrote a short scene for it)  The family sat at the large dining table amid a cacophony of chatter and chair scraping. Marietta yammered non-stop with her younger sister on her right even as she nudged her brother on her left for him to pass her the salt.

The handle of the bat was smashed into my eye by Herb.

What mistake is made here? Passive construction.

Write it better. Herb hit my eye with the handle of the bat.

He saw the tip of the flag protruding from the backpack and perceived that it had been hidden there by Jack.

What mistake is made here? Hedging and thought words

Write it better. The flag protruded from the spot where it was hidden in Jack’s backpack. I knew it, Principal Hacker thought.

Armand, wearing an elegant red cummerbund beneath his tuxedo, stepped forward to request a dance from Elsa whose plunging neckline left little to the imagination, while the band played a Strauss waltz that they'd played on the night Sir Milos Resterman had been killed in the same ballroom.

What mistake is made here? Too much info packed in one sentence.

Write it better. Wearing an elegant red cummerbund beneath his tuxedo, Armand stepped forward to request a dance from Elsa. His gaze swept over the plunging neckline, which left little to the imagination, as they began to waltz. The band played a Strauss waltz, the same waltz as on the night Sir Milos Restermand had been killed in the same ballroom.

Reba felt as unbelievably sad as if she'd lost her dearest and best friend and sobbed with uncontrollable emotion until she felt Dwayne take her in his arms with his wonderful, incredible tenderness.

What mistake is made here? Talking through emotions rather than showing. Tons of cliches. Long sentence; looses the impact.

Write it better. Reba’s grief filled her at the loss of her dearest friend. She sobbed even harder when Dwayne’s arms surrounded her, warm and reassuring.