This paragraph is based on one of my ideas for a novel about a vampire who has no memory of who or what she is. She was entombed, gets broken free during Hurricane Katrina and floated into the bayou. The setting is New Orleans as she finds out what she is and joins up with a group of humans hunting vamps.
If you are keeping score, that is book idea #3. LOL. I have the first 10 pages or so written out, but I am still fuzzy on the entire plot.
Time to get serious about your own creative short piece--the one I mentioned in Lesson 2, Chapter 5. Yes, I'm determined to have you end this class with something to show for it! Bring up your piece now and spend some time drafting, then rereading, rethinking, and rewriting.
For Assignment 6, you are invited to post the first paragraph of your short creative piece.
Please resist the temptation to jam several paragraphs into one long one as a way to get more feedback. I tend to focus on the need for more paragraph breaks, so this wastes your good opportunity for more helpful commentary.
ORIGINAL VERSION
All this I sensed through the veil of pain I existed in. I tossed and rolled in the wash of fluids like a baby in the womb and still the pain wouldn't cease. Not even when I floated into a soft bed of something that, when I clawed at it, gave easily under my fingers. I clawed and crawled and struggled to be born from that fluidic world and emerged to cough and sputter where the world was drier. I don't know how long I stayed slumped and weak... minutes, hours... not days surely. But, I had no sense of time.
REVISED VERSION
All this I sensed the world through the veil of pain. I tossed and rolled amid the wash of fluids like a kitten in a gunny sack tossed in a turbulent river. Through it all the pain wouldn't cease, not even when I floated into a soft bed of something that, when I clawed at it, gave easily under my crooked fingers. My eyes didn’t work. In fact, I didn’t perceive that I even had eyes, so new was I to the world. I was hands and fingers and raw nerve endings. I clawed and crawled and struggled to be born from that fluidic world. I discovered I had lungs and a nose, emerging to cough and sputter water and muck where the world was drier. I don't know how long I stayed slumped and weak in the viscous mud. I had no sense of time. Minutes, hours... not days surely.
ANOTHER REVISED VERSION AFTER MORE FEEDBACK WHICH GOES TO PROVE THAT REVISING IS ONGOING :)
All this I sensed through the veil of pain. I tossed and rolled amid the wash of fluids like a body thrown to the mercy of the turbulent river. Sometimes objects would bump or glide along my skin sending shock waves of torment along my nerves. Some items where hard and dug at me; others were soft and gave under contact with me, but the pain never ceased. Even when I floated into a soft bed of something that, when I clawed at it, gave easily under my crooked fingers, pain was my relentless companion. My eyes didn’t work. In fact, I didn’t perceive that I even had eyes, so new was I to the world. I was hands, fingers and raw nerve endings. I clawed and crawled and struggled to be born from that fluidic world, dragging my ravaged body onto viscous mud. I discovered I had lungs and a nose so that I emerged coughing and sputtering water and muck on a shore in a land unknown to me. I don't know how long I stayed slumped and weak but free of the waters. I had no sense of time.
No comments:
Post a Comment